Some of my closest friends, know about my tough time around this time last year. How hard it was for me to go through what I did, and how many of the people that were in the wrong weren't penalized, but instead me. Some of my darkest times, were spent on that soccer field at school that you all are very unaware of the blood and tears that shed there.
As I was put in midfield (half back) it all suddenly came back to me. I'm still very deeply hurt from all that happened and I see the other people that were involved, go on like nothing happened. Now, I don't know what drove these people to do what they did, and I'm also pointing out that I'm not saying that I didn't do anything wrong. I know I messed up. But, now I know those people for who they are.
Sometimes I have dreams, of all the pain that I experienced, and it's just unbearable knowing that those people are so unaware of how hurt I still am. I lost friends. Friends I loved dearly. I was completely alone, scared, and so very hurt. I was going to quit soccer, quit everything. Even though I had lost everything.
I thought last year that it was going to be a fresh start from my dark past. Oh, how very wrong I was. I wanted, in fact needed, last year to be the best. It all came back to slap me in the face. Everything was brought back. I used to come home and cry for hours. Hours. My little teddy bear held all of my tears, and still to this day.
I'm not trying to gain sympathy or attention, I just needed to write. Tell all of you that you have to choose your friends carefully. Even the sweetest of people can have a dark side. I experienced this the hard way. I'm still very humiliated, and very vulnerable to subjects like these.
Writing this blog entry, I had to stop mid way threw words to calm my tears. I have no forgiveness for the people who turned on me, but sympathy for what they have coming towards them. Maybe some day I will learn how to forgive them, but for now I just can't.
With this, I leave you with a thought. Before you go and screw with someone for your own benefit, you don't really know how it affects them. Think. I'm living, walking proof. Please, please, please, I beg you think before you mess with anyone no matter the circumstances.
Until next time,
Maddie
XOXO
